Just to See You Smile...

This is going to be very much me harping on about myself. It may seem very much like a pity party or as if I’m shifting blame around, I don’t know yet since I haven’t started writing it. But if you don’t want to read about that sort of thing, it might be smart to stay away from this post.

But I guess the question I’m hoping to discover through the process of writing this post is the title question: what is it that makes me so inadequate? So what is it?

Perhaps I was just born this way. It would be a lie for you or I to claim that I don’t have a big heart. I don’t show it necessarily (so who are you to judge the size of my heart?), but I do. I’m the girl who saves worms drowning in the rain. I’m the girl that chooses the bruised and beat up boxes off the shelf at the grocery store because I feel bad for them. I’m the girl that cries because she can’t give everyone in pain a hug, and wouldn’t know how to even if she could. Maybe my heart isn’t as big as the Grinch’s after the Who’s were done with him. But it isn’t as small as the Grinch’s before he tried to steal Christmas either. Somewhere in the middle. It’s big enough to feel for every person that I even care the slightest bit about (and plenty of people that I’ve never met fall into this category). So maybe my bleeding heart coupled with my inability to make the change I so desperately wish to see is the reason I’m not good enough.

Or could it be the past relationships I’ve had that have taken a toll to the point where I can no longer open up to let others love me? I’d say that’s a damn good reason I’m useless. But then again, I’ve been through it and you have not (thank goodness). Yes, this is definitely beginning to sound pity-party-esque. However I’m not blaming the people who have impacted and made me the way I am, I learned a lot from each of those encounters. Maybe they left scars but those scars are a part of me just the same as any other identifiers.

Maybe it’s my tendency to over-analyze. A curse for sure. Because even as I sit here thinking over all the reasons why I’m not worth it, the back of my mind won’t let go of the thought that there are plenty of people who have it way worse than I do, so what makes it okay for me to harp on about this? Why is my struggle worse than someone else’s? It’s not. And really I should be able to suck it up and be thankful for everything that I was chanced to be born into having. Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly lucky, and I try to be as aware of that as I can be. So maybe that’s my problem, I spend too much time feeling bad and not enough time “sucking it up”.

Maybe it’s because I know I can’t save you, any of the collective you that are reading this (and it’s conceited to think that anyone is). I’m fragile (read: weak) and I know that. I’m okay with that. I have come to terms with it. But because of that weakness, I am unable to give you what you need to pull you out of whatever funk or darkness you may be residing in. For that, I’m so immensely sorry to you. I wish I could do more. The fact that I can’t does make me inadequate.

I think there’s a very good chance that I’m not worth it because I’m not perfect. Though I try very hard to be perfect (and perfectly fail at it), isn’t me. The time and energy and effort I put into being perfect should instead be put into overcoming my weakness. I think there’s some saying about doing one thing at a time or not biting off more than you can chew… you get the gist of it. There’s also a saying that goes “go big or go home” Americans love that one. I’d be disrespecting your kindness of reading this far if I lied and said I was trying to be perfect in a sort of “go big or go home” attitude. Because my need to be perfect is in my own selfish desire to release some of the pressure that’s on me. Because if I was perfect, I could handle it all. I could balance everything perfectly and not break a sweat. I don’t balance well, another fair point toward my inadequacy.

But, most poignant of all, it’s not one of these things alone that makes me not good enough. It’s all of them. All of the aforementioned points are what make me so. And this is the anti-climactic conclusion you have so patiently read to get to. What else would you expect though, dear reader, from someone who claimed since the beginning that she isn’t enough? How could you realistically expect something grander?

The fact of the matter is that I’m not adequate. The new question will be, is there anything I can do to fix these things? And if there are, will I be able to do them?

I hope that wasn’t to self-deprecating for your taste, I really do. I hope your night is wonderful and thanks for sticking through till the end. Good night.